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February 04, 2014



Everyone has said it so well. I have tears knowing what you are going through as I experienced it as well. The only advice I can give is to show your dad you love him and always treat him as a parent, not as your child. Of course you have to make decisions for him, but he needs to feel respected and that his opinion matters, since he is losing so much control over matters in his life. I was with my father when he took his last breath, and I have no regrets for the decisions we made as I know they were the best we could do for him.....but it was so very hard. My prayers are with you.


My husband has a 97yr old Aunt who had been living at home alone with no close family support (no children & my husband & his sister living miles away) with dementia for a good few years. Last May she fell down the stairs & broke her wrist. She was in hospital for a while & then a nursing home. All the while she was very vocal about going home, so much so last month she was taken home for a morning. She didn't recognise the house and asked to go home!, she has lived there in excess of 50yrs. We knew it wasn't the right thing for her to return home but the authorities had to satisfy themselves that her being in a care home is the right thing. She is actually quite settled in the care home and is well looked after and remains physically well.

Also my Dad is physically ill and is beginning to start with a vascular dementia. My Mum & I have talked about the possibility of him going in a home when Mum & I can no longer give him the care he needs. It will be awful but it will be the right thing, for him & my Mum.

You have done the right thing, unfortunately not every old person is able to die at home. Many need more care than can be given at home. Having worked in care homes as an RN for 20 years i have seen these scenarios more times than I care to remember.

You now get the good times with him without having to worry about his physical care and whether he is well or not.

Take care & enjoy your Grand-daughter!


Am sorry to hear of Grandpa's decline. Yes, we have been thru this with my mom. It is difficult and tugs at your heart. But it does improve . You have done all you can do. Comes a point in time it is out of your hands. Caregiving is exhausting and it does take a toll, wearing one out. ( all your colds). :-( We can't always please our parent's wishes, unfortunately. Take care and try not to feel guilty.

Beverly from WA state

Kerry brack

Very tough decision. Hope your father can find a friend in the nursing home for some company and to help settle him in. You have my prayers.


Golly Nicole I am so sorry. It is a tough time for a family. Seems life always gives us the could of, should of, would of questions. It sounds like you have done an outstanding job and gone as far as you can yourself. Knowing when to get help is important. I hope the transition gets easier for you all.

Judy Hudson

Having been there, Yes, it does get better. At some point in time, you have to decide what is best for the patient and the caregiver. Dementia is a family's disease and not the patient. It is so hard to see family members return to their childhood ways - once a man and twice a child. Take each day at a time and don't let the "what ifs" control your thoughts. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Debbie R.

Yes, it will get better. He will adjust over time. And you will stop feeling so guilty, seeing how well-cared for he is. And you will stop worrying, because you'll know that he's safe. You did all you could to keep him in his home as long as possible. That was a gift. Now it's time for the next phase. We moved my MIL into a senior's residence several years ago, when she could no longer be alone in her own home. It was a long, difficult transition, but she came to accept it. And a year ago we had to move her to a long-term care facility. She adjusted pretty quickly this time, and is content (well, except for all the old people that are there, which bugs her to no end :-) You've done what needed to be done, and although difficult, it is the right thing. So be strong, keep visiting and loving him, and gather strength from the support of all your loyal readers.


I dont know if better is the word. It is different and you become accustomed. My grandma had Alzheimers and at first she kept trying to walk home. Then she had to be put in a secure wing. She spent 10 years there. We all visited but she knew no one at the end. You just have to remember You ARE doing what is best and SAFE for him. He would not want you to feel guilt. It is the natural order of life and it seems you have been amazing to him so far.


My father was put in a nursing facility 3 years ago. I live 17 hours away and feel guilty every day. My mother could no loner care for him after his stroke affected his reasoning abilities and he would walk out of the house at any hour of the day or night and be found walking down the middle of the street almost naked. He asks every visit for us to take him home.
Moma passed away in April. I guess everything is still too new to me, but I don't think it gets easier. Daddy still wants to go home. He wants to see Moma. I live so far away and only get home about 6 times a year. My sisters have it much harder than I do as they live in the same town and have to hear him plead each week.

I know the mixed feelings you have. You know in your head he needs the care he will receive at the facility. You know you can no longer give him that care. The best place for him to be is there, but you feel as though you are failing him. You aren't. Our hearts are so full of love and emotions that at times like these we need to listen to our heads.
I'll pray for you and your family as you are brought to my mind. I understand.


It will absolutely get better, relatively speaking, of course! I work as a CNA and the first 2 weeks are known for being like this. It is a huge change for everyone and it is painful--for everyone! I know you feel guilty. Just try to remember that the "best" for Grandpa is getting the care that he needs. I know the struggles that you have gone through to show him that he is loved and cared for by his family. Now it is time to let the professionals care for him. You are still there to love him. Now they are there to care for his serious and important medical needs. Being at home is not "best" (or even possible, physically, financially, medically, etc.) for him at this point in his life, however much we wish it could be so. Transitions are scary for everyone, at any stage of life. This is another one. Breathe deeply and try to be kind to yourself. We all wish we had such a loving daughter-in-law to take care of us at the end of our days!

Judy Roach

I had to place my mother in an Aged Care Facility because of advanced dementia, and I felt so guilty for doing so. She was there for 2 1/2 years (she passed away last June) and I went to see her every day. The only thing that helped was knowing that she was being cared for so well and so lovingly by the wonderful staff at the Facility. That helped so much. It is such a hard thing to do, but we don't always have a choice. My thoughts are with you and your husband.


Yes, it does get better. We've dealt with my mom's Alzheimer's for 20 years (really!). I hate to admit it, but the best way I handled the 'can I go home with you' was to tell her I would be back to get her later.

It is so heartbreaking to have to go through this, and knowing what I've been through makes me ache for you. Hang in there.


Oh, my heart goes out to you. As my Dad said to me about my father-in-law, you've done all you can, now that he's in care he's in the best place. Hugs to you.


Such a difficult decision for a family and certainly not an easy one for grandpa. Bless his heart. As hard as it is... there just comes a point where there is really no other choice in order for him to have the best care possible.


It was better for my mom to be in a care facility, but you couldn't have convinced her of that. Now we have my Father in law living with us. He cannot see or hear well so there is nothing he can do to entertain himself. A care facility would be a little better as they have activities like music which he loves. No matter what you do, it is just plain hard. We haven't had any time away for quite some time as there is no one to take over and no money to put him in a care facility. Your guy is in a good place and will benefit from it greatly. Try not to feel guilt, but I know it is hard not to.


It's a hard time for you. It gets a little easier as time passes. My thoughts are with you and your family xxx

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